Just Emma & I

So.. I was thinking today that maybe I would take Emma to Europe and we could backpack around for a couple of weeks.  Is ten too young for such an adventure?  I get very nervous when faced with doing things on my own and being the one "in charge" or "responsible" for things / events.

I know that sounds weird considering how many things I am responsible for and how many things I am in charge of... and if I do say so myself, I do things quite well!  But as I said, I get nervous, all the same.  But I really think I am up to this challenge!

I really want Emma to experience life.  To appreciate culture and see the world.  I want for her, I suppose, what I wanted for myself, but was always to afraid to do.  Now I question my intentions... I'm I trying to live vicariously through Emma? hmmmm.... Even if I were, the experience for her would still be beyond amazing!  But I really want her to remember it... cherish it... prize it!!!

It really is amazing how blogging helps me think straight and figure things out.... As I type, I think back to my younger years.  Now I'm remembering that I really started having GOOD memories in about fifth grade, which will be next year for Emma.  I have some good memories from 4th grade, but I think fifth grade is when I really have emotions behind the memories. (does that make sense?)

Next year would probably be a better time to go... then I have time to plan things out.  If we were to go this summer it would really be by the seat of my pants.  Maybe I can even get in touch with my friend Tibor in the Czech Republic and Raymond in The Netherlands, and we could spend a day with each of them....   Definitely Good Times!

Trying to hard???? not so much...

I was worried that when I had Elliot I would not love my two children the same. That I would really have to try to love them equally, or enough, or whatever crazy things I thought... But it is, as so many mother's before me have said; your love just grows and you have more love to give, you don't divide the love.  I love both of my girls so very much, and I want to give each of them the best of me.  

I want to create unique experiences that I can share with each of them, so they know how special they are to my life.  I know that my love will be enough, but I'd really like to go the extra mile!  They are so worth it!

BSH

I always find that it is the little things that remind me of Cameron's Mom from day to day.  Just a moment ago I looked at my tea glass and saw that the teaspoon I am using tonight is one that I "inherited" from Beverly's old silverware. (It's hard to find a good teaspoon now-a-days! And the ones that match my silverware are like $50 a piece now, so... I'll mix-match, thank you very much!)

It's just those little things that remind me of her, and make me miss her and wish she were here.  I know she would enjoy watching Elliot grow up.  Elliot has such a live spirit... She's just so unique, and I know Beverly would just find her fascinating!

And of course one thought leads to another and to another... It's been one year, two months, and 20 days since she died.  And I still cry, and I still wish she were here, and I still just want to talk to her one more time.

The night she died, I whispered in her ear that I was going to be okay, and that is was okay for her to die.  (not that I was giving her, or that she needed, my permission to die)  But we all had this feeling like she was waiting until we could all cope with her death before she finally left us. ...I lied...

I guess I am okay... and I do see the brightness in the days, but that doesn't mean I don't wish that she were here to share the brightness with me.   She almost always had the most optimistic view of life, it was profound.  And most of the time it seemed as though she always knew what to say, or more importantly, when not to say anything at all.

But mostly, when I think about her I think about my wonderful husband, her son.  Who so desperately needs her...  She was his BEST FRIEND!!! Don't misunderstand, Cameron does fine in his day to day.  But Beverly provided something for him that I will never be able to give.  And the funny thing is I couldn't tell you what it was (givr it a name), but I guess it was just that she was him Mom and you just need your Mom.  

I suppose I will not fully understand until I do not have a Mom to call whenever I want / need. The thought of that day terrifies me.  Hopefully, I still have many more years with my Mom, but I really could use just one more conversation with my other Mom. 

There was this one day after Beverly & I had had a full day of running around, working, chemo, going to get pain meds, and just all of the things that entail taking care of yourself, your children, and your loved ones... We had finally gotten home and we were settling down for the night.  I had come over to the "big house," and I was just talking to Beverly.

It was getting late, so I told her I was going to go back over to the barn because I could ramble on and on for hours... And the best thing I remember her saying to me... She said, "We could have a hundred lifetimes to talk to each other and you would never run out of things to talk about."  We both laughed and cried.  I hugged her and told her I loved her.

I still love her.  I still miss her. I wonder if I always will... I wonder if she is thinking of me...

Jon & Kate

I am so saddened by last night's episode of Jon and Kate Plus 8.  It seems so apparent to me that Jon was just done... and that Kate was heartbroken.  Even when people behave poorly, that doesn't mean they aren't hurt when things go south.

Kate isn't perfect... Everyone seems to be attacking her... How far is that?  I know I'm not always proud of the way I behave towards my husband. (there are not any cameras following me around, editing me to show all my worst attributes) But Cameron and I talk about it and work through it... and sometimes, I do the EXACT same thing again.  and I have to be reminded that my poor behavior is not appreciated and does not demonstrate the respect I truly have for him.

I know that if I were approached with the opportunity to have someone pay me $75,000 or more and episode to come in and film my life, and there were freebies on top of that, I would jump on it in a heartbeat!  Giving my children an even better life than I can give them now!  How awesome would have be!?!?!?!!!

I would love to take my kids to Hawaii, Disney World, California, and wherever else JK8 have been, but I can't.  We don't have the money to take extravagant vacations (or any vacation for that matter) with one salary.  And having one salary is a choice Cameron and I made together because we want our children to have the best life we can give them, and we feel that being raised by a parent at home is one way to provide that for them.

And if I could make my girl's lives better by letting cameras see me at my worst! (God forbid, I'd have no friends...) I'd do it.  Because I know that I'm not the only wife out there who has "moments" and "failures." 

There's not a manual for life, marriage, or raising children... and if there were, I probably wouldn't agree or abide by it anyway... no two families are alike.  ANd what works for one may not work for the next.  And JK8 are any even more special, rare case than the standard family of four.  I know they have a lot of fans, but it breaks my heart to read so many people saying so many hateful things about Kate.  They don't even know her.... and neither do I, but I know she has admitted that she is not perfect, and I know I am not prefect, and I know that YOU are NOT prefect...  And let us not forget that we are not the ones to judge in the first place.

If you don't like Kate or the show, then don't watch... It's that simple!  It's like you want to feed your soul with anger by watching a show that aggravates you... It makes no sense at all!  STOP WATCHING if you don't like what you are seeing.

aaarrrrgggg..... I just don't even know.... I'm so mad and upset... Cameron thinks I am being stupid about all of this, and that it is just a TV show and that they are not "real."  We even got into a fight about it last night... how pathetic is that!  But they are REAL!!! 

They are as real as what is edited for us to see. That is really their house.   Those are really their dogs.  Those are really their kids.  That is really their Big Blue Van.  Kate was really filling piñatas for the sextuplet's party.  The kiddos were really having lunch and watching TV...  All of those things are REAL!  

AND most importantly Jon and Kate are REALLY going through something very difficult.  Kate's tears were real.  and so what that she said she didn't want to ruin her make-up... I can only imagine how many tears she has cried... she's probably tired of crying and ruining her make-up... She obviously does not care about make-up they were filming an entire scene where she had NONE on at all...

Jon seemed so COMPLETELY indifferent to everything...  Like he didn't give two cares about what he has been accused of.... I did not feel any sincerety from him at all... and the part were Kate said "[she] was here," and then he said, "I'm here for my kids..."  I wanted to...well I probably shouldn't say mean things like that on my blog.... but I was not happy, to say the least. 

And here it is 17 hours after the show aired last night and I am still feeling the emotions it caused...  I need to move on to something else.. I'm sure I could ramble on about this forever....

Please help them work this out.  Please let Jon GROW UP and become a MATURE and RESPONSIBLE **MAN** for his wife and his children.  Because he was right about one thing last night... his kids ARE going to google him one day, and they will find out... and they will NEVER believe a word he says again.  ACTIONS speak clearly... and he has plenty of ACTIONS speaking for him!

~MORE POSITIVE NOTE~

Things I am grateful for today:

• my blood not being too thin!
  
• Elliot sleeping late this morning!
  
• Elliot's Nap time, (so I could blog)
  
• My husband's love and support in my life's journey. (it is always taking us down an unknown road)
  
• Emma's good grades at school and her loving nature towards all things / beings on the Earth.
  
• Luka's new haircut!  She's so soft right after she's groomed!
  
• This beautiful day that has been given to us to enjoy.
  
• NAPS!!!!!
  

Life is Good!

I haven't been posting a lot lately... don't really know why.  But I'm guessing it is because I have been feeling so good!  Life has been good!  I really feel so very blessed!  I know I've said this before and I think I will say it as often as I want to, because there is nothing wrong with acknowledging that life is good for me, and being grateful for it.

I always feel a little like I am bragging, but I realized today that I'm not bragging, I'm acknowledging... and to me this acknowledgement is my way of saying, "Thank You!"  It is me being so VERY grateful for the MANY blessings I have in my life.  I never in a million years would have imagined how wonderful and perfect my life would be!  I really am a lucky lady!

I think sometimes people forget to count their blessings, even the little ones.  I have so many little ones, and... Well... I was going to say that I have more big blessings than I deserve... but I think I'm going to change that thought... I deserve every blessing I have received in my life!  Just as anyone else who has blessings deserves them!!!

So, today I am thankful for my blessings and I would encourage others to be thankful for their blessings as well!