BSH

I always find that it is the little things that remind me of Cameron's Mom from day to day.  Just a moment ago I looked at my tea glass and saw that the teaspoon I am using tonight is one that I "inherited" from Beverly's old silverware. (It's hard to find a good teaspoon now-a-days! And the ones that match my silverware are like $50 a piece now, so... I'll mix-match, thank you very much!)

It's just those little things that remind me of her, and make me miss her and wish she were here.  I know she would enjoy watching Elliot grow up.  Elliot has such a live spirit... She's just so unique, and I know Beverly would just find her fascinating!

And of course one thought leads to another and to another... It's been one year, two months, and 20 days since she died.  And I still cry, and I still wish she were here, and I still just want to talk to her one more time.

The night she died, I whispered in her ear that I was going to be okay, and that is was okay for her to die.  (not that I was giving her, or that she needed, my permission to die)  But we all had this feeling like she was waiting until we could all cope with her death before she finally left us. ...I lied...

I guess I am okay... and I do see the brightness in the days, but that doesn't mean I don't wish that she were here to share the brightness with me.   She almost always had the most optimistic view of life, it was profound.  And most of the time it seemed as though she always knew what to say, or more importantly, when not to say anything at all.

But mostly, when I think about her I think about my wonderful husband, her son.  Who so desperately needs her...  She was his BEST FRIEND!!! Don't misunderstand, Cameron does fine in his day to day.  But Beverly provided something for him that I will never be able to give.  And the funny thing is I couldn't tell you what it was (givr it a name), but I guess it was just that she was him Mom and you just need your Mom.  

I suppose I will not fully understand until I do not have a Mom to call whenever I want / need. The thought of that day terrifies me.  Hopefully, I still have many more years with my Mom, but I really could use just one more conversation with my other Mom. 

There was this one day after Beverly & I had had a full day of running around, working, chemo, going to get pain meds, and just all of the things that entail taking care of yourself, your children, and your loved ones... We had finally gotten home and we were settling down for the night.  I had come over to the "big house," and I was just talking to Beverly.

It was getting late, so I told her I was going to go back over to the barn because I could ramble on and on for hours... And the best thing I remember her saying to me... She said, "We could have a hundred lifetimes to talk to each other and you would never run out of things to talk about."  We both laughed and cried.  I hugged her and told her I loved her.

I still love her.  I still miss her. I wonder if I always will... I wonder if she is thinking of me...